1. Guys who don’t ask any questions about you at all because who cares. You are not Chris Evans and I am not Jimmy Fallon. I think that’s clear, right? Right. So then why are you answering all my questions like I’m interviewing you about the new Avengers movie instead of you asking me questions because this is a freaking date and ideally you’d care about who I am as a person, whyyyyy.
2. When you’re in the middle of a conversation and he looks at his phone. Like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea you were the King of Nothing and had to respond to your many subjects who all desperately need you to respond in the middle of my story about my grandma dying last year. Pardon me!!!”
3. Guys who never really laugh. I know some women do this too but seriously, what is this??? I swear I don’t expect every single person on earth to think I’m hilarious, but people who don’t laugh at all ever or barely laugh like it’s a kitten sneeze that escaped their mouth are confounding. Plus, if you never laugh at anything I say, I feel like you hate me or you hate fun, and either way, that’s a turn-off.
4. Guys who look anywhere but in your direction when you are talking to them. This would be borderline funny if it wasn’t so insane. Like, are you checking out someone behind me? Is one of your contacts acting up and you’re trying to move your eyeball around so it adjusts itself? Or are you just unable to look at me for more than 30 seconds at a time? Either way, call me crazy but if we’re hanging out, it’d be chill if you looked at me even once.
5. Guys who can’t stop talking about one thing that honestly doesn’t matter. Like it’s great that you love your job or you love Crossfit or you love your Wii, but anyone who has one kind of “who cares” hobby and seemingly zero interests outside that one hobby is maddening. Because if I love Crossfit too, then yay, let’s keep talking Crossfit. But if I don’t and the only source of conversation you have is Crossfit, I’m dying. I’m dead.
6. Guys who smell like they gave up on the concept of showering. I know everyone’s body smells different and no one’s perfect, but we’ve all gone out with that guy who is like, “Hygiene? What hygiene? I am too lazy to shower, LOL,” and wanted to run from the table because they smell like a feral cat in a dumpster. And then it’s also super sad because it’s like, “We could’ve had something if you’d taken five minutes to wash your filthy, dirty bod.”
7. When he says “You’re not like the other girls because _____.” Whatever fills in that blank is always misogynist as hell because what are you even saying? “Most girls” aren’t funny or cool or smart or into comic books or whatever other thing you’re trying to compliment me on? Because guess what? All my friends are pretty much all the things I am, and you sound like a turd right now.
8. When he asks you to hang out with him and his friends, and then makes no effort to include you. So then you’re just stuck wondering if this guy even likes you and trying to talk to his guy friends who have no idea why you’re there anyway.
9. When he calls his ex “crazy.” Like, dude, we know that the odds that your calling your ex crazy actually being code for you calling all women crazy at some point (meaning you’ll one day call us crazy) are pretty solid. So we do not mess with you after you say this.
10. When he gives zero f*cks about the way he looks. No one’s perfect, but I know so many guys who wear stained T-shirts they got as a gift when they were 13 that hold zero sentimental value and say some junk like “Corporate FunRun 2008” when they didn’t even run in a FunRun, and it’s not worn ironically. It’s just a T-shirt and they don’t care, which usually also translates to their poor-fitting jeans and janky New Balance dad sneakers with barely tied laces. Again, it’s fine to not like fashion or want to just be yourself, but guys who just couldn’t care less about being presentable on a date (especially when women are expected to do a ton of date prep) is a no.
11. Long, dirty nails. Nooooo. Not only is it just gross but also your chances of getting anywhere near my body with your dirty animal claws just went down to negative zero.
12. When he lists all the movies/books/music he likes, and there’s not a single woman on the list. Or he lists one woman out of 50 men and it’s like, “Beyoncé,” and you’re 98 percent sure he just threw her on there so it would look like he also likes “girl stuff,” which almost makes it even worse. Art made by women is the best and how do you not know this?!